Reading, listening, talking to people, and I slowly realise, life’s purpose is life. The purpose of the dance is to dance, as Alan Watts said. The blossom’s purpose is to grow pollen and fruit, sometimes. Are we living life or is life living us? We will likely not know by way of scientific explanation. So I’m going with my own internal indications. It’s not exactly a gutfeel, more the absence of what feels like a tight knot in the lower chest area. When I do yoga, or have great conversation, especially with my son, then that area feels free and open.
The area gets tight and knotted when I think about the future of the world after catching a snippet of (usually bad) news, or someone relaying to me the latest happenings in their broken relationships, or how their expectations of life are not met.
My purpose is to let it wash over me like “water off a duck’s back”, a lovely saying we have here in New Zealand. Animals don’t seem to get down and depressed or at least they don’t try to drag everyone down with them.
We humans are unique, we are all different from one another in consciousness, feelings and thoughts, just like our bodies are different from the next body. So comparing oneself to something that’s different is not going to work. Or at least it will leave one really really unsatisfied in the long run. I was brought up with lots of comparisons, everything seemed to be a bit of a race to stand out and be noticed in a good way. When I got sick of it, I decided to get noticed in a bad way, so I pierced my own nose and dyed my hair bright orange. Plus I hung out with the squatters and punks. My parents were not impressed and asked me to please not hang out in public. I offered to wear shades so no one in the small village recognised me.
It’s taking some time to overcome the comparison and trying to be “good enough”. For me that also meant to stop forcing life and things to happen. Yes, we need to take action sometime but it feels a whole lot better to wait and see before rushing into action. When it feels right, I can work hard towards something. It’s not about choosing the easy way but recognising when we push too hard, that maybe it’s from the “Not good enough” mindset and self-punishment. Not to be confused with self-discipline.
I’m still working that one out but writing every day has come easier than I thought. So far.